You know something is wrong. You might have named it as abuse. And yet the feelings are still there – the love, the longing, the hope that things might go back to how they were at the beginning.
Love comes in all shapes and sizes, and sometimes we fall in love with people who go on to hurt us. Continuing to feel love towards someone who hurts you is a normal psychological response, and it’s important for you to understand that there is nothing wrong with you if you feel this way. The feelings you have make complete sense.
Abusive relationships usually begin with genuine warmth, affection, and connection. The person who is hurting you now may also be the person who made you feel more seen than anyone ever had. Both of those things can be real. That’s part of what makes it so hard to leave, and so hard to understand from the outside.
Why your feelings make psychological sense
Our bonds with others are complex, and when abuse is present these bonds can become even stronger and more confusing. Abuse rarely looks the same from one day to the next. Many of the people we work with describe a pattern called the cycle of abuse: tension building, something bad happening, then a period of remorse, affection, promises. Things feel calmer and better. Then the cycle begins again.
This pattern isn’t random and psychologists call the attachment it creates trauma bonding. It’s a deep emotional connection that forms not in spite of the instability, but partly because of it. When fear and affection alternate unpredictably, the brain holds on harder. It becomes wired to seek relief from the very person causing the distress, which is why moments of care, affection and apology make it even harder to step away from the harm.
Please know that this isn’t a weakness or a character flaw. It’s a human response to an inhumane situation. The feelings of love, loyalty, and hope that keep you connected are the result of what has been done to you – not evidence that what is happening is ok.
You may also be holding onto hope for the person your partner could be, rather than who they consistently show themselves to be. It’s very normal for survivors to remember the good times or believe the promises that things will change.
Isolation makes it harder to see clearly
One of the most consistent features of abusive relationships is that they gradually shrink your world. You see your friends less often and family drifts away. You have a sense that the person you are with is the only one who really knows you, or the only one you can rely on.
Again, this doesn’t happen by accident. When the people who might offer perspective or support are no longer close, it becomes much harder to see the relationship from the outside. The abusive partner can start to feel like the centre of gravity, not just emotionally, but practically too. For many people, financial dependence, shared housing, or children make the idea of leaving feel frightening and impossible.
When someone has become your entire support system, of course you love them. That’s not a failure of judgement, it’s the result of a situation that has been shaped around keeping you there.
Staying doesn’t mean you accept it
People often ask why someone doesn’t just leave. But leaving is rarely simple (it is usually very dangerous) and the decision to stay, or to go back, isn’t evidence that abuse is being tolerated. It is evidence that the situation is complicated, that the feelings are real, and that the barriers to leaving are significant.
Abusive relationships also often involve manipulation, such as gaslighting or guilt, which can make you question your own experiences and feelings. Over time, this can make it even harder to separate love from harm.
Whatever you’re feeling, you’re not alone. Loving someone who is causing you harm doesn’t mean you are weak or foolish, or beyond help. It also doesn’t mean the relationship is safe or healthy, and it certainly doesn’t mean you deserve to be hurt. It means you are human, and that you are in a situation that has been designed – consciously or not – to be very difficult to escape.
You don’t have to have all the answers right now
Understanding why you feel the way you feel is not the same as knowing what to do next and that’s ok. You don’t have to have a plan, or have made any decisions, to reach out and talk to someone.
At Oasis, we speak to a lot of people who are still in their relationship, still in love, still not sure whether what they’re experiencing even counts as abuse. That’s exactly the kind of conversation we are here for.
Whatever you’re feeling, we won’t judge you for it. We’ll listen and advise.