I’m Worried About Someone

You don’t need to have a big, planned intervention. Often the most effective thing is a quiet, private moment and a simple, open question like:

• “I’ve noticed you don’t seem quite yourself lately. Are you ok?”

Don’t do this in front of others, and if they’re not ready to talk, don’t push. Just let them know the door is open so they know you’re there once they’re ready.

When someone does open up, your job is mostly to listen. Resist the urge to jump in with solutions, opinions, or questions about why they haven’t left. Let them talk at their own pace. Silence is ok. What you’re communicating, just by staying present and calm, is that they are worth listening to and that matters more than you might realise.

This is one of the most important things you can do. Many survivors have tried to speak up before and haven’t been believed – by family, friends, or even professionals. Being believed can be a turning point, so don’t minimise what they’ve shared, question their version of events, or suggest there might be another explanation. Simply say something like:

• “I believe you. Thank you for telling me.”

Abusers are often skilled at making their partners feel responsible, for the abuse, for the relationship, and for keeping the peace. The person you’re talking to may genuinely believe they’ve caused this, or that they could fix it if they just did things differently.

Be clear, and be consistent:

• “This is not your fault.”
• “You don’t deserve to be treated this way.”

They may need to hear it more than once before it starts to land.

It can be incredibly frustrating to watch someone you care about stay in a situation you can see is harmful. But pressuring them to leave, however lovingly, can actually make things more dangerous, and can push them away from the very support they need. They know their situation, and their abuser, better than anyone and the decision has to be theirs. You can instead ask them what they need to stay safe, and have a plan in place together in case there is an emergency. Your role is to stay alongside them rather than to steer them.

This page on how to stay safe might be useful to read through.

On average, it takes someone seven attempts before they’re able to leave an abusive relationship for good. There are many reasons for this and one of them is that leaving is genuinely dangerous, and the risk of serious harm is highest at the point of leaving. If they go back, don’t express disappointment or give up on them. Keep the lines of communication open and let them know you’re still there without judgement, whenever they need you.

Abuse, especially coercive control, often works by slowly dismantling someone’s confidence and independence. You can push back against that gently, over time, by reminding them of their strengths. Make plans together, even small ones. Celebrate the things they do. Help them stay connected to who they are outside of the relationship.

Offer information and let them decide. Pass on our helpline number: 0800 917 9948 and let them know it’s free, confidential, and there when they’re ready. You could mention our drop-in centres too as a low-pressure option. Leave the door open rather than putting them on the spot.

Sometimes the barriers to getting help are very practical, like childcare, transport, not wanting to be seen going somewhere, not knowing what to expect. If you can offer to look after their children while they attend an appointment, give them a lift, or simply sit with them while they make a call, that kind of concrete support can make a huge difference. Ask what would actually help them, rather than assuming.

Even if you feel angry, and it’s completely understandable that you would, speaking very negatively about their abuser can sometimes have the opposite effect to what you intend. People often still love their abusive partner or relative, or feel a strong sense of loyalty. If they feel they have to defend the abuser to you, it can close down the conversation, so it’s best to focus on the behaviour and how it’s affecting them, rather than making it about the person.

Caring about someone in this situation can be emotionally exhausting, especially if it goes on for a long time. It’s ok to find it hard. Reach out to our helpline for guidance and support for yourself, you don’t have to carry this alone. Make sure you have your own sources of support as you can’t pour from an empty cup, and don’t put yourself in a position where you’re at risk.