The short answer is: sometimes. But real, long-term change is rare and requires consistent effort and genuine willingness by the abuser.
People who abuse and control often develop patterns of thinking and behaviour shaped by beliefs about power, control and relationships. This means it is very difficult for them to change on their own. Many abusers make promises to change, especially after an incident, but without structured intervention, these changes are unlikely to last.
Genuine change involves:
- accepting full responsibility for their coercive and controlling behaviour (not blaming the victim, stress, alcohol or other external factors);
- seeking and engaging in specialist behaviour-change programmes designed specifically for domestic abuse – rather than relying on general counselling, which is not designed to address abusive patterns of control
- demonstrating change consistently over time, with actions – not just words
Meaningful change is a long-term and demanding process, during which there will be setbacks as well as progress. It requires a sustained commitment over months or years. It’s important to recognise that these setbacks can cause further harm, and because of this the survivor’s safety, wellbeing and choice must always come first.