It’s completely normal to find leaving an abusive relationship difficult. On average it takes seven attempts.
Abuse often develops gradually, making it harder to recognise at first. Over time, it will wear down you confidence which can then make it really difficult and overwhelming to make decisions.
There are many reasons why someone might stay, or leave and return multiple times. These might include:
- Fear – especially that the abuse could escalate
- Financial concerns – your access to money might be restricted or you have shared finances which makes leaving difficult
- Feeling ashamed and reluctant to tell people or seek help – you might have received a negative response when trying to reach out in the past
- Not knowing what services are available to support you
- Feeling frightened and uncertain about what the future will hold
- Thinking it’s in the children’s best interests to stay, for their stability
- Finding making big decisions difficult and scary
- Being isolated from family and friends and therefore trying to make decisions and take action alone, without a support structure
- Still feeling love, care and concern for the person who is abusing you
- Still having hope that things will improve and go back to how they used to be
Trauma bonds and cycles of abuse can make leaving even harder. That’s because when experiencing domestic abuse, the hurt is often mixed in with occasional kindness, apologies, affection, or promises to change.
Those positive moments can make it hard to see the bigger picture because they remind you of who the person *can* be rather than who they are *consistently*.
Over time this develops into what we call a trauma bond, which is where someone feels deeply attached to the person who is hurting them.
This is why you find yourself holding on to the good days, waiting for things to get better, or believing that if you just try a little harder, the loving version of them will come back. But there’s nothing you can do that will do that, because the loving version of them isn’t who they truly are – it’s a mask they use as part of their coercion and manipulation.
It’s the unpredictability of their behaviour that keeps you stuck (psychologically captive) and research shows that it’s quite literally like an addiction.
If you’re finding it hard to leave, it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It reflects the reality of your situation – and you’re not alone in feeling this way. If you’d like to talk things through, we are here to support you.