Coercive Control | Oasis Domestic Abuse Service
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Coercive Control

Coercive control is often described as a pattern of behaviour used to dominate another person, but that definition can feel quite clinical. Rather than looking like someone barking orders all day, coercive control is much smaller, quieter and more confusing.

It’s like being placed in an invisible cage.

At first though, there don’t seem to be any bars. The person controlling you appears loving, attentive or protective. Then, over time, the cage gets built one bar after another in the form of a comment about a friend they don’t like, a complaint when you visit family, questions about where you’ve been, criticism about what you’re wearing, pressure to share your passwords, a rule about money, or a demand to answer calls immediately.

Each individual thing might seem small in itself but when you put them all together, they create a life where one person has freedom and the other doesn’t.

How coercive control erodes you little by little

The victim becomes captive in an unreal world created by the abuser, entrapped in a world of confusion, contradiction and fear

Professor Evan Stark, Sociologist and Coercive Control Expert

Key elements of coercive control

It is the slow, deliberate shrinking of another person’s freedom until they begin organising their life around somebody else’s demands, fears and expectations.

The goal is power.

Hostage-like dynamic

Evan Stark, domestic abuse expert who developed the concept of coercive control, compares the relationship to being held hostage, where the captive adopts the rules and worldview of the captor to survive.

Gaslighting and distortion

The abuser denies reality, twists facts, and makes the victim doubt their own memory, sanity, and perception. For example, they accuse you of cheating, or they make you question your choice of friends and your choice of career.

Isolation

The abuser cuts the victim off from friends, family, and outside support to increase total dependence. For example, they get moody if you want to spend time with your friends.

Micro-regulation

The abuser controls daily choices, such as what to wear, who to see, how money is spent, and daily routines. For example, they constantly check on what you’re doing on your phone, or they want to know where you are all the time, or they use the children as messengers or spies.

Chronic fear

They make you feel responsible for their emotions and a constant state of intimidation and unpredictability makes you feel as though you are constantly walking on eggshells.

Why is it so hard to spot?

If a frog is placed in boiling water, it would immediately jump out. But if the temperature rises one degree at a time, it won’t notice the danger until it’s too late.

Coercive control works in a similar way.

Most people would never agree to having all their freedoms taken away on day one. Instead, freedom is eroded gradually. Boundaries shift little by little until behaviour that once seemed shocking starts to feel normal.

child eating coercive control

The impact of coercive control on children

Children don’t just witness it, they feel it. They absorb the tension. Imagine growing up in a house where everyone is constantly checking one person’s mood, where conversations stop when they enter the room, where one parent seems afraid to make ordinary decisions, and where love appears conditional and power sits with one person.

Children learn from what they see. They may become anxious, withdrawn, overly responsible, or believe that controlling behaviour is a normal part of relationships. Some children take on the role of peacemaker, while others become frightened of conflict altogether.

community coercive control

The impact of coercive control on communities

Coercive control never affects only one person… It ripples outward like a stone dropped into water and our communities lose important voices and presences as they are slowly but surely silenced by their abuser.

Friends stop hearing from someone they used to see every week, family members are gradually pushed away, and colleagues notice a once-confident employee becoming withdrawn and apologetic, eventually leaving a job they loved.

The larger the abuser’s influence becomes, the more the victim’s world shrinks.

Coercive control is so devastating because it fundamentally changes how someone sees themselves, their relationships and their place in the world.

We’re here for you.

Whether you’re certain about what’s happening or you’re still trying to make sense of things, Oasis is here to listen. Our support is free, confidential, and non-judgemental.

You don’t have to have left, or be planning to leave, to talk to us. All you need to do is reach out.

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